Affairs of the Dead Read online

  Table of Contents

  Copyright Warning

  ~ Dedication ~

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  ~ About the Author ~

  ~ More Fantasy from Etopia Press ~

  Affairs of the Dead

  A.J. Locke

  Copyright Warning

  EBooks are not transferable. They cannot be sold, shared, or given away. The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is a crime punishable by law. No part of this book may be scanned, uploaded to or downloaded from file sharing sites, or distributed in any other way via the Internet or any other means, electronic or print, without the publisher’s permission. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in federal prison and a fine of $250,000 (http://www.fbi.gov/ipr/).

  This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are fictitious or have been used fictitiously, and are not to be construed as real in any way. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales, or organizations is entirely coincidental.

  Published By

  Etopia Press

  1643 Warwick Ave., #124

  Warwick, RI 02889

  http://www.etopia-press.net

  Affairs of the Dead

  Copyright © 2013 by A.J. Locke

  ISBN: 978-1-939194-91-6

  Edited by Laurel Kane

  Cover by Iris Hunter

  All Rights Are Reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

  First Etopia Press electronic publication: April 2013

  ~ Dedication ~

  For my family, for always supporting me,

  and for Melissa, my first fan.

  Chapter One

  I was in a strip club trying to help a ghost get laid, which was challenging but not impossible. It was just extremely taxing on the necromancer extraordinaire (me) who had to channel energy into the ghost to make her corporeal enough to entice one of the stripper boys. Technically what I was doing was illegal, but it was my job to help ghosts settle their affairs so they could move on to eternally ever after, and Julia’s unfinished business was that she’d died a virgin. I’d made it as easy as I could for her by starting at a strip club; if she couldn’t get some here, I wasn’t sure how much lower I could scrape the barrel.

  Julia’s prolonged virginity was an enigma to me, even though she told me that she’d been waiting for her soul mate. I just didn’t understand why that meant she couldn’t hit up a bar; get drunk; and have a fun, regret-filled weekend that included the walk of shame. At least she’d have been in better shape once Soul Mate came around.

  “What do you think about him?” I asked, pointing at one of the three oiled-up men who were gyrating for the benefit of all the screaming women. He had blond hair and green eyes and wasn’t overly muscular. Julia looked at him, then quickly looked away. I took that as a sign of approval.

  “I think this was a b-bad idea,” she said.

  “This was a fantastic idea,” I said. “And it will work, don’t worry.”

  “No, I mean, I don’t think I can do this. I waited my whole life for my soul mate and now you want me to just…” She stole another quick look at the stripper. “I don’t think I can do this with some random…stripper man. It’s so indecent.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Julia, you’re a ghost; you no longer have the option of being discerning. And if you don’t wrap up what’s keeping you around, you run the risk of turning into a monster. Then it’s an even bigger pain in the ass to get rid of you. So let’s call our efforts here at Bump and Moan choice A, and murderous monster choice B. Which choice would you like to make?”

  “A,” Julia said, but she didn’t sound happy about it. I smiled and grabbed a couple of drinks off the tray of a passing waitress. I set them down in front of Julia.

  “Drink,” I said. “This will help.”

  “I’m a ghost,” she said. “I thought I was unable to eat or drink.”

  “You can feel the effects of the alcohol since you’ll be working off my energy, so drink up. I’ve pegged you as a lightweight so I think two drinks will be enough.”

  “But how is this supposed to help?” she asked, frowning.

  “Because its job is to help,” I said. Julia sighed, then picked up one of the glasses and took a tiny sip, after which she wrinkled her nose and attempted to put the glass down. I stopped her.

  “Drink it fast. I literally don’t have enough energy to sit here all night while you sip.”

  It took a bit of persuading, but I was able to get her to down both glasses in about fifteen minutes. Since she was using my energy, I felt the effect of the alcohol too, but I was far from a lightweight. Julia, however, was now gaping at the men with a loopy grin on her face. I urged her to use dollar bills to try and entice blond boy over, and she did so willingly. When he bent down so she could slip the money into his thong, he jerked back after feeling how cold her fingers were and stared at her with wide eyes. I stood and pulled Julia up with me. She stumbled against me and giggled.

  “G-ghost?” he said, looking from Julia to me.

  “That she is,” I said. “But a pretty ghost, wouldn’t you say?”

  The photo I’d seen of Julia when she was alive was of a petite woman with auburn hair and light blue eyes. In death, she looked like a washed-out version of herself, and as with all ghosts, there was a white glow ever present around her body, though with me thrusting my energy into her, the glow had faded enough that it was barely noticeable. Still, she was a pretty ghost. Stripper boy frowned, then slid his eyes back to Julia.

  “She’s…a little creepy.” He flinched as Julia languidly ran her finger down his bicep. “Is she drunk?”

  “I like a man who’s perceptive,” I said. “I’ll cut to the chase. How would you like to have sex with Julia?” If his jaw could actually detach and hit the floor like in cartoons, it would have. He gave a nervous laugh.

  “You…you’re joking, right?”

  I took out my badge and held it close to his face so he could see it in the dim lighting. “My name is Selene Vanream, and I’m a necromancer with Affairs of the Dead. I’m sure you’re aware of what businesses like ours do in regard to ghosts that hang around after their physical bodies die, correct?”

  He nodded.

  “Great. Well, Julia happened to die a virgin, and in order for her to float on to the afterlife, she has to resolve her unfinished business. Therefore, I was hoping you…I didn’t catch your name by the way.”

  “Justin…”

  “Justin, I was hoping you’d be willing to help Julia by taking her to one of the private rooms and”—I leaned closer—“showing her a good time.” I finished with a wink. Justin didn’t lose his frozen, jaw-dropped expression. I gave him a moment so he could let it sink in, and Julia continued to paw at him. Finally, Justin closed his mouth and attempted speech.

  “I, uh, I don’t think I
can. I mean she’s not…she’s not real, so how would I even…you know. I mean…”

  “Well, Justin, I’m currently sharing energy with Julia in order to make her tangible. She’s touching you, isn’t she?”

  He looked down at the touchy-feely ghost and moved out of her reach.

  “And I can up the ante and make it so she doesn’t feel quite so cold,” I continued. “So you see, other than the fact that you know she’s a ghost, it would feel just like sex with any other girl. Well, maybe a little better, since she’s untouched and all.”

  Justin shook his head and straightened, taking a few steps back. “I’m sorry, this is just too weird. I can’t…I can’t do that to a ghost. That’s wrong, it’s totally wrong.”

  “I can understand the aversion,” I said. “But I would hate for Julia to turn into a beastie because she didn’t tie up her loose ends. So many lives could be lost…”

  “No, no way,” Justin said, backing up some more and almost bumping into one of the other men. He looked around as though he’d forgotten he was half-naked on a stage surrounded by dollar throwing women. His gaze returned to me. “I’m sorry, lady, there’s just no way.”

  Time to play my ace card.

  “I’m willing to pay you five thousand dollars,” I said, holding up a stack of bills I’d fished out my handbag. Justin’s eyes dropped to the money, then up to my face, then over to the drunk ghost hanging off my arm. Finally, he closed his mouth, hopped off the stage, and walked past us.

  “I know an empty room we can use,” he said.

  I grinned, grabbed my bag, and towed Julia after him. I knew my best bet for getting her laid would be in a strip club where money came first and dignity was a distant second.

  Chapter Two

  I barely knew how I’d made the drive home last night without crashing my car. After exhausting myself by channeling energy into Julia, I was almost a corpse myself. Of course, that was what I got for not remembering to bring my rune stones with me. Placing energy-laden rune stones on a ghost was supposed to make them tangible and less cold, but as usual, I had left my stones in my desk at work, and being too ahead of myself to postpone things, I’d decided just to give up my own energy.

  It was bad enough I was working on a Sunday; I hadn’t wanted to delay helping Julia accomplish her goal. And boy did she accomplish it. Dangling five thousand dollars in front of Justin was enough for him to get over his aversion to having sex with a ghost. It also helped that I damn near thrust my entire life force into Julia, because it completely shook off her cold and made her look almost as alive as Justin and me. But since I had to keep hold of Julia’s hand to keep her lifelike, once they got down to business, I’ll admit there was something of an awkward factor.

  I’d just stared at a wall, hummed to myself, and pretended I didn’t hear the squishes and moans. Julia did sound like she was having a good time though, and Justin didn’t leap off screaming halfway through over the reality of what he was doing, so I was happy to chalk the excursion up to a success. After it was over, I paid the dazed looking Justin (I can’t imagine ghost sex feels quite the same as real sex despite what I’d said to him), thanked him for his participation, and towed a euphoric Julia out the door. It took only a few minutes after she thanked me for her to fade.

  I’d watched her go with a smile, then almost collapsed onto the sidewalk in exhaustion. As it was, I’d downed two cups of coffee before making the precarious drive back to my house in Brooklyn.

  The obnoxious sunlight streaming through my window meant it was morning, so I had to peel myself out of bed and get to work. Since I’d gotten in so late, I had far less than eight hours of sleep, so I was loathe to get up. I was leaning toward calling in sick, then remembered I had used up almost all of my sick days for similar reasons, so I couldn’t afford to use one today. Especially since it was June, and the work year was only halfway done. I sighed and moaned over my predicament, then rolled out of bed and spent a few minutes sitting on the floor, leaning against it. I was extremely unwilling to be parted from this bed.

  Seeing me on the floor, a tiny ball of energy in the form of a Yorkie named Luna dashed into the room and jumped into my lap, demanding my attention.

  “It’s too early to be so energetic,” I said, my voice thick with sleep. “If I was a dead witch, I’d take a little of your energy, Luna. You’re lucky necromancers are in the business of giving and not taking.”

  She nipped my finger in response. Her incessant pestering meant that she was hungry, so I gathered my strength in the pursuit of feeding my dog and drifted into the kitchen, where I believe I filled her bowl with kibble, though it could have been coffee grounds. I also remembered to toss some food into my fish tank. I had about half a dozen fat goldfish, and unfortunately for them, I forgot to take care of them more than I forgot about Luna. I then headed to the shower, which helped wake me up but could do nothing for the sore, heavy feeling in my body.

  “May I remember this feeling the next time I forget my rune stones and decide to channel my own energy into a ghost instead,” I muttered as I slumped over my breakfast. I was still wrapped in my towel since I’d been too hungry to wait until I had clothes on before eating. It wasn’t the first time I’d given myself that reminder, and it wouldn’t be the last.

  I wolfed down two bowls of cereal, four pieces of buttered toast, six pieces of bacon, and two cups of coffee. It helped a smidge. Afterward, I headed into my bedroom to change, with Luna tangling herself in my feet as she ran after me.

  “Well, it’s official. Today will be go-to-work-looking-like-shit day,” I said as I stared at my reflection.

  My short black hair was still damp, so it hung around my face in curly clumps, and my cinnamon-brown skin looked washed out and sickly. Even my hazel eyes were a pale imitation of themselves. I had an overall look of exhaustion that couldn’t be washed away or covered with makeup. I did my best with my hair, then got dressed in a tight pencil skirt with a crisp white blouse tucked into it and a sleek navy vest over that. Pumps completed the look. My face might look like crap, but the rest of me was going to look fabulous. Had to compensate somewhere, right?

  I checked the time and saw I was already late for work. Oh well. I took Luna for a walk, played with her for ten minutes after we came back, then headed out.

  Forty-five minutes later, I was walking toward the office building of Affairs of the Dead in midtown Manhattan. As far as office buildings went, this one stood out because it was the only building in the area covered in large, colorful runes, which varied from simple circular runes to ones that made the most complicated Celtic knot look tame.

  As I walked, I was accompanied by a few ghosts who were drawn to the building like moths to a flame. It always amused me to see them pass through someone and have that person shiver at the touch of death they received. Unlike necromancers and dead witches, the average human couldn’t see ghosts unless they were made visible, but some of the more sensitive humans felt something like an icy touch when one passed by or through them.

  Several ghosts and I passed through the building’s front doors, and while I headed to the elevators, the ghosts were greeted by necromancers whose job it was to explain why they had found themselves there. Then the ghosts would be assigned to another necromancer, who would have lengthy conversations with them and use runes aimed at figuring out what would get them to cross over.

  I got off on the tenth floor and headed into the brightly lit office suite. Behind the receptionist’s desk, there was a sea of tightly packed cubicles, and mine was tucked in there somewhere. How I envied those higher-ranking necromancers who’d earned themselves a nice cramped office.

  “Morning all,” I called out as I made my way to my desk. I was still tired but was going to pretend like I wasn’t. Unfortunately, it was written all over my face.

  “You drained yourself last night, didn’t you, doll?” A ghost fell into step next to me, and I spared him a glance. He wore energy runes, which meant he could
actually walk on the ground. Without the runes, ghosts floated to get around, but a lot of them still moved their legs so it looked like they were walking on air. Which I found very amusing.

  “So what if I did, Larry?” I said. As I walked, I noticed that people were giving me quick glances before looking away, some with little smiles on their faces. I frowned. What was that about? I hadn’t yet done anything to earn those kinds of looks.

  “It’s like you want to Rot,” Larry said.

  I got to my desk, dumped my bag, and turned on my computer. Larry hovered nearby, leaning one arm against my cubicle wall. Larry was a ghost who had been around for the past five years but hadn’t manifested into a beastie because he had that much damn unfinished business. Constantly working on tying up his loose ends kept him from turning into a monster.

  Larry was an anomaly; it was rare that a ghost would have years’ worth of unsettled business to get through. It was believable for Larry though, because in life, he’d been a criminal who’d gotten into a lot of trouble and rarely cleaned up his messes. Eventually, he’d crossed someone he couldn’t outsmart and got himself killed. Now he was regularly passed among us necromancers as we tried to help him clean up his plethora of dirty work.

  No one relished working with Larry though, since the things he had to take care of often involved retrieving a brick of cash he’d hidden in a sewer or coming clean to someone’s family about how he’d dug up their loved one’s body and sold it to Underground dead witches or necromancers to experiment with.

  “And it’s like you want to start your day with annoying me,” I said, attempting to make some sense out of the clutter on my desk. I was trying to find the file that contained all of my cases for the week so I could cross Julia off it and see what else I had lined up.

  Larry chuckled, running his hand over his slicked back, dark-brown hair. He had the look of a sixties greaser: black leather jacket over a black shirt, black jeans, greased hair, overly neat facial hair, and an overall untrustworthy look. Wouldn’t have been hard to pick him out of a crowd as a crook.